oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
