Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
