I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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