Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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