Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
