When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
not ubering you a puppy
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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