my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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