no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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