Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
