Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
