im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
