You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
