peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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