So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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