she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
