dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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