So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
