Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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