cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
