True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
