Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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