someone threw a dead crab at me
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
