Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
