PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
