somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
