I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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