This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
