I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
