a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
