We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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