Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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