Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
