I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
