My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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