Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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