dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
