I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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