Just cropdusted the office
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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