forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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