i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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