Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
