why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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