Will you blow on my dice?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
