I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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