My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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