There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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