I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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