phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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