I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
