you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
