There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
