i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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