o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
