you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
