His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
