The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
