when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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