I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
