3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
