I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
