good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
