Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
