my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
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We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
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By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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