vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I love you.
Bad choice
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
